[PAmedic]

at the suggestion of EL SCORCHO: this is for you young pups

AN ON-GOING LIST:

1. no farting under the covers to create a dutch oven like all the guys at work brag about

2. no showing the kids what a "see-food diet" looks like

3. no hitting the dog with

• a. tennis rackets
  b. golf clubs

4. no teaching son to watch TV and scope out "hot chicks"

5. no Al Bundy behavior on the couch (hand down pants, yelling for beer)

6. no using the family car to chase deer in the front yard

7. no pushing all the crumbs onto the floor so "the dog will get it" (I know- that DOES sound like a good idea, but trust me- don't)

8. using the phrase "at least I'm not out at the bar" will NOT get you off the hook for being on FF.com at 0100 AM when you were specifically told to come to bed.

9. falling asleep on the couch with all the lights on and the TV roaring REALLY agitates her. I don't know why.

10. no trying to hit a lob wedge over the house. Bad things happen.

[jcmanson]

You can add to the list: Your wife comes first (at least you have to make her think that ), and not LU sports!

[PAmedic]

1st- you need to rephrase that ^^^

2nd- yup, I was working on point #8 which speaks to that phenomenon

[LUconn]

when you were specifically told to come to bed.

ha

[PAmedic]

I'm betting you've been there, too

[El Scorcho]

__________ REALLY agitates her. I don't know why.

Fill in the blank with anything you like. That part doesn't really matter. What matters is the part where PAmedic says he doesn't know why.

Fellas, whatever is agitating her, do not try to make sense of it. There is no why. The ways of the woman are not for us to understand. What matters is that whatever is agitating her needs to stop. If you stand around trying to think about why (or heaven forbid you should actually ASK why), you're likely to have something flying at your head in a relatively short period of time. Do not hesitate. Do not flinch. Most importantly, do not think. Just do it.

[Rocketfan]

I'm betting you've been there, too

No i think he is laughing at you for being dominated hahaha

[cheerbren]

Are we really that horrible? Let's do a things to DO after you are married.

1. Treat her like you did when you were dating(meaning kiss her don't just skip all of that stuff!)
2. Talk to her. I know this hard as you all have no idea what women are really thinking and anything can set us off at any time but try asking how she is doing and talk about 'feelings' and then maybe you she may not go off on everything you don't do.
3. Pray for her!
4. Remind her of how wonderful she is!

Feel free to add more!

[BJWilliams]

5. Respect her wishes if she does not want to have children quite yet.
6. Take care of the house (this is especially good if she works that way she has a nice place to come home to)
7. Give her something special every once in a while just to let her know how special she is.

[SuperJon]

Hey, start your own thread if you people wanna be sappy. This one is meant to be funny and done in a way so we can make fun of Medic.

[El Scorcho]

Are we really that horrible?

Absolutely not. We're just having some fun. I highly doubt any of us have it nearly as bad as we claim. I think we've probably all just made our share of bone-headed mistakes and it's kind of fun to share them in retrospect.

[HenryGale]

When you have been out of town for a week, and expected to be back on Saturday, DO NOT try to suprise her on Friday, while talking to her on the phone, telling her you are looking forward to coming home tomorrow, and be standing on the back porch looking in the house....I repeat....NOT A GOOD IDEA! (or so I have heard....)

[cheerbren]

Ok - Don't tell her she looks fine in that dress/outfit (she knows you think she looks fat!)

[RubberMallet]

You can add to the list: Your wife comes first

yes i live by this....it makes her more open for other things...

oh wait...what?

[RubberMallet]

don't look at chicks when you are both driving and then say, "nope, not as good as what i got"....it doesn't work

your wife DOES NOT want to see how big your turd was. its ok in a dorm not at your home

Do not disagree with your wife after 10pm if you like sleep.

oh for those who have seen pornography .....its not real....they don't want 99% of that stuff to happen to them....

i got more but i'll have to think about it

oh and i dutch oven my wife all the time...its good to go..

[Libertine]

You can add to the list: Your wife comes first

yes i live by this....it makes her more open for other things...

oh wait...what?

Oh! You beat me to it!

[JDUB]

Ok - Don't tell her she looks fine in that dress/outfit (she knows you think she looks fat!)

so what IS a good thing to say in that situation??

[RubberMallet]

i just run away....

[Libertine]

Ok - Don't tell her she looks fine in that dress/outfit (she knows you think she looks fat!)

so what IS a good thing to say in that situation??

Four words:
"It's just not you."

Works every time. However, you must be prepared for the inevitable follow-up question: "Well, what do you think I should wear?"

Important -- and I mean extremely important: Do NOT make an actual suggestion. Just say, "Whatever you feel comfortable with."

The upside of this is that she'll take your response as honest concern for her style and not a shot at her appearance. She will also probably not feel the need to ask you again for the rest of the night. The downside is that this will only work once per engagement. I you tell her that it's just not her again, she will want to know why. This is a black hole from which you will not escape, so just stay away. If she does happen to ask you again, you are obligated to say something along the lines of, "That's better", even if she looks like she might be hiding some sort of Kuato-like creature under a burlap sack.

[JDUB]

dang your good at this. how long have you been married?

[RubberMallet]

my answer to the follow up "well what should i wear" question is "something that makes dudes want to look at your boobs"....then i reach for them....

after a few times she'll rarely ask you for your opinion on the matter again..

[Libertine]

dang your good at this. how long have you been married?

I don't even remember anymore.

Oh, who am I kidding? Nine wonderful years.

Here's another tip:

Memorize dates. Use a mnemonic device, association, anything. I use ProFlowers.com. They send me an e-mail when something is coming up.

You absolutely must remember: her birthday, Valentines' Day, your anniversary and Christmas. Those are the easy ones.

You must also know her parents' birthdays. She'll want your input on what to get them. Don't worry about her siblings. She doesn't expect it and, after around age 25, nobody cares.

Know your parents' birthdays. She will want to be a good daughter-in-law. You not telling her about your mom's birthday will not help that. You must also know your siblings birthdays as well as their spouses birthdays and their anniversaries. Yeah, it's a double standard but she'll see it as just being part of your family.

You must know Mother's Day, even before you have kids. This shows that you will always care about her and is worth many many points. After kids, however, it's expected and is worth no points. Use it while you can.

Memorize the kid's birthdays. At some point, you will be expected to actually pick out a present for them. Do not act surprised about this.

Know the date on which the two of you started dating. If it's been a while, just make one up. Stick to it. She doesn't know either but she'll be impressed that you do.

[Sly Fox]

I have a deadly run of her birthday & Mother's Day in May followed by our anniversary in Early June. I have yet to pull off the trifecta successfully in nearly a decade of marriage. Yeah, I know.

[Libertine]

I have a deadly run of her birthday & Mother's Day in May followed by our anniversary in Early June. I have yet to pull off the trifecta successfully in nearly a decade of marriage. Yeah, I know.

I feel you, Sly. I've got Mother's Day in May, birthday in June and anniversary in July. My budget is usually shot by the second one.

5. Respect her wishes if she does not want to have children quite yet.
6. Take care of the house (this is especially good if she works that way she has a nice place to come home to)
7. Give her something special every once in a while just to let her know how special she is.

Yeah, that's crap. That's what they say they want but it's not true.

5. The truth is that all women want children; they just want the timing to be on their terms. However, this never actually happens. It's either an "oopsie" or "we've decided to try to have kids but something's just not clicking yet -- oh, wait, never mind". If you're a guy who really really wants to crank out a few carpet-cruisers, here's a handy guide.

• Married less than 2 years: don't even bring it up unless she does.
  3-5 years: You may use the phrase, "You ever think about kids?" once every 12 months.
  6-8 years: If you haven't already, this is your last, best window. You may initiate a serious conversation about starting a family once every 5-6 months.
  9 years+: Forget it. Buy a dog.

6. She doesn't want you to take care of the house. She is aware that if you try to "clean", you're going to do it wrong and just make things worse. All she really wants is that you not screw it up too badly. Don't leave your stuff where she will trip over it / smell it / sit in it. Everything after that is gravy.

7. Do NOT give her something special every once in a while "just to let her know how special she is". Sure, it sounds nice but women are neurotic when it comes to relationships. There are no exceptions. "Giving her something special" is a dead giveaway that you are cheating on her. Even if you are -- hopefully -- not cheating on her, this is the quickest way to invite unnecessary suspicion on everything you do when she's not in the room. She won't know whether to feel happy or nervous, so guess which one she'll pick? If she has an obviously bad day, you may hit the florist at the grocery store and pick up a small arrangement or single flower. This is OK because it does not go overboard and gives her a momentary rush of self-worth. Most importantly, cut flowers die very quickly meaning that she'll have the memory of you being nice to her but won't have the physical reminder that might cause her to dwell on why. Also, guys must remember that, over the course of the relationship, you will only have a finite number of good gift ideas for your spouse and you've got anywhere from 3-6 gifting occasions a year to cover. Wasting one of those on "just giving her something special" is downright foolish.

[Libertine]

Are we really that horrible? Let's do a things to DO after you are married.

1. Treat her like you did when you were dating(meaning kiss her don't just skip all of that stuff!)
2. Talk to her. I know this hard as you all have no idea what women are really thinking and anything can set us off at any time but try asking how she is doing and talk about 'feelings' and then maybe you she may not go off on everything you don't do.
3. Pray for her!
4. Remind her of how wonderful she is!

Feel free to add more!

Not horrible. Just so very very different. You're like cats.

1. We cannot treat you like we did when we were dating. You live with us now and there is no longer any hiding of our shortcomings. Unlike women, guys cover for their flaws by over-playing them, much to the frustration / disgust of our spouses. I will give you the "no skipping" part, though. That's just rude.

2. Talking is bad. The spoken word is a four-dimensional minefield for guys. We will be glad to listen to you -- or, at least, try to. If you want us to talk, you must steer the conversation toward concrete knowable things like bit rates, model years and Civil War generals. We do have feelings but we do not talk about them. We only feel them. That's why they're called 'feelings' and not 'talkings'.

3-4. These seem to be related in that it's really more of expression of our wives' worth to her. We will be glad to pray for you and we will be glad to tell you that you are wonderful. Just do not insist that we tell you exactly why. Again, we do have feelings but we do not talk about them. We only feel them.

I hope this has helped to bridge the gap.