[whmatthews]

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, and you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows', default settings. Peach, for example; is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.




*Disclaimer: whmatthews has an independent opinion and not affiliated with the above statements. Opinions expressed herein do not reflect the opinion of whmatthews, and are merely for fun and discussion purposes.

[RubberMallet]

1. just breathe through your nose

[ALUmnus]

1. just breathe through your nose

Took me a second to get that one. I don't hang out with people like you, so I'm a little rusty in catching those.

[RubberMallet]

people like me? haha

[Cider Jim]

My 2 favorites:

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows', default settings. Peach, for example; is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is...

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or trucks.

[LUconn]

I assumed he meant the stench of what comes out of him was so bad it was better that she just learn to deal with the smell as opposed to being able to taste it in the air.

[RubberMallet]

I assumed he meant the stench of what comes out of him was so bad it was better that she just learn to deal with the smell as opposed to being able to taste it in the air.

[ALUmnus]

Is a pumpkin really a fruit? I thought it was a vegetable, like in the squash family or something.

[Green Monkey]

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Unless he's an Indian who wants to massage you every day.


Pretty funny list, but why is there a 1 before every item?

[ATrain]

Is a pumpkin really a fruit? I thought it was a vegetable, like in the squash family or something.

If it has seeds, its a fruit. Tomatoes and cucumbers also qualify as fruits.