A Sea Of Red

Dear Jenny,

Kirstie Alley is still fat…

but I guess you must already know that. Whenever she shows up in one of your commercials, it’s really hard to miss (and extra sad for me because I’ve got a really big screen). I’m not sure I understand your corporate strategy…trying to sell a weight loss product by using a spokeswoman who is clearly not losing weight–your product is clearly not working. (That is…unless you also happen to make pies and candy bars under a different name and Kirstie’s big bottom is helping those companies’ bottom line.)

When you announced that Kirstie was going to be your “star” client for 2005, I couldn’t have been happier. I’ve always felt that she’s really funny (you know, for a woman), and have been a big fan ever since her “Cheers” days. Also, I felt bad for her–being plus-size in the public eye ain’t no day at the beach (not that Kirstie has any business being in a bathing suit). Look, I’ve had my own battles of the bulge–I have been fat. Not Kirstie-sized of course (come on–I do eat things besides sticks of butter dipped in caramel), but fat nonetheless. Some might say that I’m still carrying around a few extra pounds–more chubby than fat, but still not in tip-top, tank top condition. So I’m while I’m not without compassion for Kirstie, it has been 2 whole years. Granted, I’m not a nutritionist, but I am a “thinker.”

Kirstie is certainly less fat than she was back at her fattest…the days when magazines like US and In Touch would publish photos of her chowing down on burgers and fries (the press can be so cruel). And then Kirstie appeared on Oprah to “unveil” her new, presumably smaller body by walking on stage in nothing but a giant “tank-kini.” It was hardly a real-life page from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Obviously, everyone looks thinner while standing next to Oprah, but Kirstie Allie was still fat–someone more inspiring more pity than inspiration. Yet you keep on putting her in commercials–I don’t get it?

When you’re such a fat actress that you’re cast in a new series called, “Fat Actress,” you have to get dramatically smaller before you have any business parading yourself off as a weight loss success story. Kirstie still looks like a “before” picture and it’s starting to tick me off.

It seems you’ve at least come to your senses a little now that you’ve gotten Valerie Bertinelli to join the campaign. One Day at a Time was a great show (that Schneider!)) and Valerie actually seems to be losing weight! (What a novel idea?) But why must you dang her to the hell of appearing in the same ads with Fat Alley…ads that position Kirstie in the role of weight loss “mentor” role…when as I’ve already established that Kirstie Aley is still fat?

At the end of the day, bald guys shouldn’t sell shampoo and fat people shouldn’t sell diet plans because neither can be trusted. It’s just that simple. So far be it from me to tell you how to run your business, but I hope you’ll reconsider subjecting us to Kirstie Alley on TV.

Yes, she used to be a big star, but these days she’s just “big.”

Yours,
glenn