Our Christian foundation is what makes our university unique. This is the place to bring prayer requests, discuss theological issues and how to become better Champions for Christ.

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By VAGolf
Registration Days Posts
#456052
So, my fiance and I are getting ready to start pre-marriage counseling and we were told by our pastor to read, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

We just got the book yesterday and read through the first two chapters, and then we had to put the book down. Both of us have some serious issues with the author's perspective on marriage. First, the entire book is about "building an affair proof marriage." It doesn't really get into the purpose of marriage. It's simply about avoiding an affair. It asserts that men have 5 basic needs, and women have 5 basic needs and these needs are opposite of each other. Additionally, it points out that man's most important need is to be "sexually fulfilled," and that a woman's most important need is to be "emotionally fulfilled." There are questions in the back of the chapters and in one chapter, the three questions for the woman to ask herself are as follows.

"1. Do you take your husband's need for you to be attractive seriously? If not, why not?

2. Does your husband really like the way you look most of the time? Do you?

3. How much care do you take in the way you look? How is your figure? Do you use cosmetics to good advantage? Do you change your hairstyle from time to time to please your husband by giving him a little variety in the way you look?"

What do you guys think of this? Have any of you read this book?

I'm not the type to try and get into a debate with a pastor, even if I actually disagree with him. However, if our pastor really believes that it is our responsibility to ensure that the other one doesn't have an affair, than I have a big problem with him marrying us. There is more to marriage than simply avoiding an affair, right? Also, I'm allowed to have actual basic needs that doesn't include sex, correct? Also, isn't my fiance is allowed to desire sex? Lots of questions, lots of concerns. I would appreciate any and all feedback.
By ALUmnus
Registration Days Posts
#456055
Haven't read that book, but I know it's quite popular.

Two books you should seriously consider reading for premarital counseling:
"The Meaning of Marriage" by Tim Keller (one of the best books I have ever read)
"Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Tripp (it's good to think about and discuss child-rearing beforehand)
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By PAmedic
Registration Days Posts
#456087
Purple Haize wrote:The one piece of marital counseling we got was.....don't go to pre marital counseling. Of course we were both older so that probably helped
^^^ THIS

of course, my first marriage ended in divorce so I may not be the best source of info

every relationship is different.

love your wife and make her the priority. If she does the same for you - you guys are set

(sometimes you do your best but it still doesnt work out. )

praying for you guys that it does.
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By thepostman
Registration Days Posts
#456102
There are plenty of good books but really the key is never fool yourself into thinking things are good, as soon as you do that you begin to get complacent and stop doing the things that need to be done to keep a marriage healthy.

Best of luck, marriage is a fun, sometimes challenging journey
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By Purple Haize
Registration Days Posts
#456107
PAmedic wrote:
Purple Haize wrote:The one piece of marital counseling we got was.....don't go to pre marital counseling. Of course we were both older so that probably helped
^^^ THIS

of course, my first marriage ended in divorce so I may not be the best source of info

every relationship is different.

love your wife and make her the priority. If she does the same for you - you guys are set

(sometimes you do your best but it still doesnt work out. )

praying for you guys that it does.
My wife's first marriage they had counseling.
I'm her 2nd husband. No counseling and we are on 16 years
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By flamesfilmguy
Registration Days Posts
#456111
My wife and i went through the book "Saving your marriage before it starts" by the Parrott's. written by a couple who both specialize in christian counseling. We didn't go through the work book or anything but we got with a couple from our church who we trusted and who have been married awhile. We asked them if they would be our "marriage mentors" for lack of a better term. we met with them once a week for about 2 months just to talk about each chapter in the book. it ended up being really good for my wife and I. I was skeptical but in the end it was a huge blessing. just my two cents.
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By thepostman
Registration Days Posts
#456126
That's a great idea. Finding a couple who has been married a while and actually open about the ups and downs that come in any marriage and how to get through those times has more value, in my opinion, than some counselor could give. Bad times will happen but having that kind of relationship with an older couple could do wonders. My 2 cents.
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By Purple Haize
Registration Days Posts
#456128
thepostman wrote:That's a great idea. Finding a couple who has been married a while and actually open about the ups and downs that come in any marriage and how to get through those times has more value, in my opinion, than some counselor could give. Bad times will happen but having that kind of relationship with an older couple could do wonders. My 2 cents.
Agreed. Find a couple whose marriage you'd like to emulate and pick their brains
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By PAmedic
Registration Days Posts
#456132
thepostman wrote:That's a great idea. Finding a couple who has been married a while and actually open about the ups and downs that come in any marriage and how to get through those times has more value, in my opinion, than some counselor could give. Bad times will happen but having that kind of relationship with an older couple could do wonders. My 2 cents.
this
By phoenix
Registration Days Posts
#456137
I must do marriage counselling wrong. I sit down with the couple and talk, I try to get an idea of their personalities, and discuss what a Biblical idea of marriage is. We discuss salvation (usually I have them give their testimony to each other, depends on the situation and the couple). I don't try to give them all the answers because I"m honest enough to admit I don't have all the answers. I don't start with the assumption that someone is going to want to have an affair. I encourage them in their marriage rather than tell them what to do when things go wrong.

I don't marry everyone who comes to me and asks me to marry them. But I don't make marriage counseling seem like an obstacle course that they have to endure, either.
By SuperJon
Registration Days Posts
#456139
The counseling in the original post seems horrible. There are some great ways to do premarital counseling. I mentioned expectations and that truly is a big thing to talk about. Who does the dishes? Who takes the trash out? Does the trashcan go next to the cabinets or under the sink? How often does she expect you to be home during the week? How much housework do you expect her to do and vise versa? Which way does the toilet paper go? You laugh, but those are big things to talk about so that you're on the same page.

We were lucky enough to get to do a personality test with our senior pastor. He wasn't able to do our entire premarital counseling, but the one night that we had to discuss the personality testing with him was huge. It showed us some places that we needed to be aware of in how our personalities clashed so that we would know about those places before we even started.
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By flamesfilmguy
Registration Days Posts
#456216
thepostman wrote:That's a great idea. Finding a couple who has been married a while and actually open about the ups and downs that come in any marriage and how to get through those times has more value, in my opinion, than some counselor could give. Bad times will happen but having that kind of relationship with an older couple could do wonders. My 2 cents.
The couple we worked with has had problems having kids and several job changes. Like SJ said, we talked a ton about expectations going in. Keeping Christ at the center among many other subjects. It really helped my wife as our biggest struggle has been learning to live under the same roof and me learning what is expected of me on a day to day basis. we have referred back to conversations we had with the couple on multiple occasions when we have had little disagreements about helping out around the house, etc. I think it was a huge help to us by meeting with the couple and just bringing things up that could potentially cause problems.
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By Sly Fox
Registration Days Posts
#456223
flamesfilmguy wrote:It really helped my wife as our biggest struggle has been learning to live under the same roof and me learning what is expected of me on a day to day basis.
Every marriage known to mankind could be summarized by that sentence. In fact, that was the focus of our marriage counseling back in the day. It is amazing how a couple can know each other for years and not REALLY know each other until they have to start putting up with each other's idiosynchrasies.
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By BJWilliams
Registration Days Posts
#456228
In a lot of couples these days, the roles are not as clearly defined as they were when our parents or grandparents were getting married. Its not as simple as the husband heads off to work in the morning, kisses his wife on the cheek as she hands him his freshly made bag lunch on the way out the door. Its not as simple as the wife then spending the day cleaning the house and preparing dinner so that when Mr. Husband comes home after a hard day, dinner is already finished and waiting so they can sit down and have a nice meal and talk about the day. Understanding how you fit within your relationship dynamic with how the roles of men and women have evolved over the years is even more important now than ever before, and its something that a lot of times isn't discussed in the weeks and months of the relationship even before engagement.
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By Purple Haize
Registration Days Posts
#456235
thepostman wrote:I have a feeling that is never truly was ever that simple beej, but I get your point. The lines are more blurred then ever before.
Because most people eat lunch out and order dinner in....
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By BJWilliams
Registration Days Posts
#456237
That actually is true PH...you really don't have dinners at home as much where you can sit and talk about your day, or even just about what you may be struggling with.
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By Purple Haize
Registration Days Posts
#456240
BJWilliams wrote:That actually is true PH...you really don't have dinners at home as much where you can sit and talk about your day, or even just about what you may be struggling with.
Put it on the booooaaaarrrdddd. YESSSS! :checkeredflag :cheerleader :pbjtime :dramaqueen :dramaqueen
By ATrain
Registration Days Posts
#456252
I took a very non-traditional route...and reading this thread actually makes me glad we got a month to live together last summer before taking the plunge. Not that this is the recommended route, but it worked for us.

Oh, and we do tend to cook dinner at home most nights.
By ALUmnus
Registration Days Posts
#456261
ATrain wrote:I took a very non-traditional route...and reading this thread actually makes me glad we got a month to live together last summer before taking the plunge. Not that this is the recommended route, but it worked for us.
Yeah, that's a pretty common approach among non-Christians. Typically doesn't bode well for an actual marriage. Sad, really.

Of course, someone who is, you know, born-again, brought from death to life, made a new creation, adopted by the Father, filled with the Spirit, daily repentant, being sanctified to the image of Christ, been saved by grace to go and sin no more, they would never even consider that route. That's because sin is serious and bad, always a no-no. So anyone considering marriage, I'd avoid doing that, not good advice.
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